As a PhD student I needed a lot of help to write my academic papers. I can elegantly and concisely express my ideas in mathematical formulas. But when it comes to prose, it can take me a long time because I want my writing to be pristine. But that only leads to self-defeat and constant procrastination. I have found that instead of repeatedly pausing and trying to anticipate the rest of the article so that each sentence fits perfectly at the time of my writing it, it is much easier to write a first draft very quickly all the way through, no matter how sloppy and unstructured it is, and then making changes to the snippets and rearranging them afterwards.

Writing on this blog is my way of challenging myself. My hope is to prove to myself that my fear of imperfection is irrational.

A colleague recently told me that being open about your fallibility actually makes your more likable. I had never realised that. But I tested this proposition in two ways: I watched the trainers in my department who were keen on appearing professional and flawless on the one hand, and the trainers that readily admitted to making mistakes and blunders on the other hand. Indeed, the latter were easier to get along with and created a more relaxed atmosphere in their courses. Even though their training had holes and uncertainties, I had a lot more fun learning from them. This provided me and other trainees with a comfortable setting where we could all be more open and teachable.

Drawing on these observations, I have been able to worry less about how others perceive me. Whenever I do slip into a tense mode of self-consciousness I remind myself that my expectations for me and my behaviour are probably a lot stricter than those of my interlocutor. Then I actually notice my shoulders dropping slightly and my smile becoming more natural. This progress comes piece by piece, so it takes patience. But it is encouraging that I have trusted colleagues who help me become aware of my weaknesses and that I regularly experience small successes of self-improvement and adapting to my environment.